What are friends for??

My old mate Peter supplied me with this information,
What are friends for??



I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.

Obviously, I can't afford her but I thought it would be a
cheap night for you.

The Colonoscopy Journal

It’s been a while since I posted but I received this in an e-mail from Robyn at Kat’s Cradle and I couldn’t resist putting this in my Blog. For all the guys who have had this procedure one can relate to this quite humorous story.

It’s similar to the humour in the post Peter from Holties House did on the 2nd July on the story called “A women’s week at the gym”.

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at on point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Andy then explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, was because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP MY BEHIND!".

I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called MoviPrep, which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.

I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to
say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got your self too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking
down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

(I would say 'Cheers', but somehow the expression 'Up Yours' had a more appropriate ring to it).

We're All Getting Old, Some Seem/Look Older Than Others

It sure makes you feel better as one gets older to know that
it's not just you that the ravages of time effects.
Have a look at these well known people to see that even the
"rich and famous" are subject to the same "ole' father time"
as we all are, although mind you a lot of "rich and famous"
women seem to have found the secret of "the fountain of
youth". Perhaps the face lifts and tummy tucks might have
something to do with this.

Clint Eastwood..........................................................Arnold Schwarzenegger

Roger Moore..................................................................Pierce Bronson

Rod Stewart..................................................................Richard Gere

All photos can be enlarged by clicking on each picture.

Looking at these photos I don't feel so bad when I look in
the mirror. I must admit that I wouldn't wear some of those
swimming costumes that some of the "oldies" are wearing.
Talk about maybe sending some folks into therapy when
getting a look at these "revelling" Speedos, togs, swimming
costumes.

My New Car and some Funnies

On Friday I picked up my first new car.
Previously I had only purchased second hand cars.
The car I purchased was a Hyundai Getz SX Hatch,
3 door, manual with all the “mod cons.”
I now join Robyn (Puss in Boots) from Kat’s Cradle
who had one of the first Getzs in Queensland.

Now no comments on the length of the grass as we
have had quite a large amount of….rain, something
we haven’t had for a long time, so it’s worth getting,
thus my lawn mower man hasn’t had a chance to
come and cut the lawn.

OLDER THAN DIRT

"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favourite fast food when you were growing up?"
"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."
"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"
"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, travelled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a store card. The card was good only at Farmers (now Myers).
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of coloured plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favourite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favourite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend:

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old tomato sauce bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

Older Than Dirt Quiz:

How many do you remember?

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.

1.Cho Cho bar
2.Drive ins
3.Candy cigarettes
4.Soft drink machines that dispensed glass bottles
5.Coffee shops or milk bars with tableside juke boxes
6.Home milk delivery in glass bottles with foil
stoppers
7.Party lines
8.Newsreels before the movie
9.Packards
10. Blue flashbulb
11.Telephone numbers with 2 letters and 4 numbers
12. Peashooters
13.Wash tub wringer
14.78 RPM records
15.Metal ice trays with lever
16.Studebakers
17.Cracker night
18.Using hand signals for cars without turn signals
19.Bread delivered by horse and cart
20.Head lights dimmer switches on the floor
21.Ignition switches on the dashboard
22.Heaters mounted on the inside of the wall
23.Real ice boxes
24.Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards
25.Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at
the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table,
leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!' The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!' The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!' At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and

says................................................

'Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.'

Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless
and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had
been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:
Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'
ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
ANZ:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
ANZ:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
ANZ:
'Excuse me?'
Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her
being dead?'
ANZ:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'
ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
ANZ:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)
ANZ:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )
After they get the fax:
ANZ:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help.'
Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
her. I don't think she will care.'
ANZ:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'
ANZ:
'That might help.'
Family Member:
Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney, Plot Number
1049.'
ANZ:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member:
'Well, what the f**k do you do with dead people on your planet?'

I thought of the recipes Lee posts on her blog when I saw this recipe.

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that! When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

Size 18 chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup of uncooked popcorn
Salt & pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 220c.

Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end towards the back of the oven. Listen to the popping sounds. When the chicken's arse blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done.

And you thought I couldn't cook !

STAY!

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the
Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled
down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there. ! I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,
gave me a strange look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in park?"

2008, The Years Keep Rolling On.

May everyone have a enjoyable New Year.

Rock on 2008.

New Years Resolutions

for 2008

This year, I resolve to:

Always replace the gas nozzle

before driving away from the pump.

I will always "check for paper"

when leaving the restroom.

I will try to drive closer to the speed limit.

I will keep an extra safe distance when

driving behind police cars.

and never again will I try to diffuse an explosive device with a known practical joker.

Have a Safe and Happy New Year!

New Shoes

I know I've been a little slack of late, but I am working on my
next Sydney post, but in the meantime I thought you may enjoy
this funny video clip I've just received by e-mail from a friend.

Some Jokes and Funny Pictures

I thought it was about time I should pass on some
jokes that I’ve received and some funny photos.

Woman comes home and tells her husband, Remember
those headaches I've been having all these years? Well,
they're gone." No more headaches.

"What happened?

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself
and repeat 'I do not have a headache'; 'I do not have a
headache', 'I do not have a headache.' It worked!
The headaches are all gone."

Well, that is wonderful." husband says.

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly
a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why
don't you go see the hypnotist and see If he can do
anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home,
rips off his clothes,picks up his wife and carries her into
the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't
move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and
comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed and makes
passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says,
"Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the

bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than
the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes
later, jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife
like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says,
"Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the
bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than
the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the
bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and
saying, "She's not my wife". "She's not my wife".

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

Study these photos carefully and see how well they have been composed.

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack
and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a
near death experience.

Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years,
2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay
in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction,
breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair color and
brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more
time to live, she figured she might as well make
the most of it. After her last operation, she
was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by
an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "
I thought you said I had another 43 years?
"Why didn't you pull me from out of the path
of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you.

Would you be game to work the crane on top of this work site.

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!
What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party
atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in
this country would start flying again, wanting to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary,
thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that
we could charge the women for working the plane and have them
kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of
seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching
halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right --
a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do
everything myself?


Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

...............Click the above photo to enlarge.

The $100 TATTOO

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says,
"Where in the hell haveyou been"?

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo".

A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

I got 2 x $50 notes on my penis," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head
in disdain."Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar’s
tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a
while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money
feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping,
you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars
anytime you want".

Larry is recovering in ward 23.

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the Motorway, his car
phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
warning him, "Geoffrey, I just heard on the news that there's
a car going the wrong way on the M1,please be careful!"

"Hell," said Geoffrey "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife walks in
and whacks him one on the back of the head with a frying pan.

"What the hell was that for?" he asks, completely stunned.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pocket with the name
"Mary-Ellen" written on it." She replies. "Don't be silly" he says.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races Mary-Ellen was the
name of a horse I bet on." The wife seems satisfied and
apologizes for clubbing him. Three days later, he's sitting in
his chair reading again when she hammers him right on the back
of the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes round, he asks again "What the hell was that for?"

"Your horse phoned!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western
town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six
months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first
saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face
and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun
in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed saying,
"Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I
never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said,
"Well you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started
shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun
and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and
pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.

The gunslinger heard the sound, recognized it, and everything got quiet.

The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around
looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."

The Lesson.......Don’t mess with old farts.

Some magnificent photos.

One last Joke.

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies
sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.
Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a Used Car here we'd get
screwed…..so we're just waiting.

Finis.