Some Jokes and Funny Pictures

I thought it was about time I should pass on some
jokes that I’ve received and some funny photos.

Woman comes home and tells her husband, Remember
those headaches I've been having all these years? Well,
they're gone." No more headaches.

"What happened?

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself
and repeat 'I do not have a headache'; 'I do not have a
headache', 'I do not have a headache.' It worked!
The headaches are all gone."

Well, that is wonderful." husband says.

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly
a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why
don't you go see the hypnotist and see If he can do
anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home,
rips off his clothes,picks up his wife and carries her into
the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't
move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and
comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed and makes
passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says,
"Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the

bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than
the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes
later, jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife
like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says,
"Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the
bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than
the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the
bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and
saying, "She's not my wife". "She's not my wife".

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

Study these photos carefully and see how well they have been composed.

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack
and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a
near death experience.

Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years,
2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay
in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction,
breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair color and
brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more
time to live, she figured she might as well make
the most of it. After her last operation, she
was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by
an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "
I thought you said I had another 43 years?
"Why didn't you pull me from out of the path
of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you.

Would you be game to work the crane on top of this work site.

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!
What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party
atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in
this country would start flying again, wanting to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary,
thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that
we could charge the women for working the plane and have them
kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of
seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching
halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right --
a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do
everything myself?


Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

...............Click the above photo to enlarge.

The $100 TATTOO

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says,
"Where in the hell haveyou been"?

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo".

A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

I got 2 x $50 notes on my penis," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head
in disdain."Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar’s
tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a
while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money
feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping,
you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars
anytime you want".

Larry is recovering in ward 23.

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the Motorway, his car
phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
warning him, "Geoffrey, I just heard on the news that there's
a car going the wrong way on the M1,please be careful!"

"Hell," said Geoffrey "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife walks in
and whacks him one on the back of the head with a frying pan.

"What the hell was that for?" he asks, completely stunned.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pocket with the name
"Mary-Ellen" written on it." She replies. "Don't be silly" he says.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races Mary-Ellen was the
name of a horse I bet on." The wife seems satisfied and
apologizes for clubbing him. Three days later, he's sitting in
his chair reading again when she hammers him right on the back
of the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes round, he asks again "What the hell was that for?"

"Your horse phoned!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western
town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six
months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first
saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face
and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun
in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed saying,
"Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I
never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said,
"Well you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started
shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun
and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and
pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.

The gunslinger heard the sound, recognized it, and everything got quiet.

The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around
looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."

The Lesson.......Don’t mess with old farts.

Some magnificent photos.

One last Joke.

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies
sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.
Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a Used Car here we'd get
screwed…..so we're just waiting.

Finis.