I've just added another joke to the end of this post as I've
just received via a e-mai.
I'm flying out tomorrow to Mackay to visit my daughter
and my two grandsons. Looks like I've picked a "good" time
as the far north is "drowning" under flood waters.
The weather bureau has issued a cyclone warning for North Qld
and the Northern Territory amid concerns a tropical low located on
the Gulf may develop into the region's first cyclone of the season.
The low has already caused torrential downpours across much of
Queensland's north with flood waters blocking roads and rail lines
between Cairns and Mackay.
The highest rainfall in the Mackay region was 328mm (approx 12 inches)
in 24 hours.
Mackay Mayor Julie Boyd said SES volunteers had begun sandbagging
some parts of the city.
My daughter has just rung me, Friday 2nd February, 7.30pm and
informs me that it has been raining all day yesterday and today.
No matter what the weather is like, it will be good to see her again,
as its been about nine months sinceI last saw her.
Okay now for some laughs.
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
"That nice Harvey Johnson has just asked me out for a date.?
I know you went out with him last week,
and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
"Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my apartment punctually at
, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he
bought me such beautiful flowers!
Then he took me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...
a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he took me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner...
lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we went and saw a show.
Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just
died from pleasure!
So then we came back to my apartment and he turned into an
ANIMAL ...Completely crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress
and had his way with me twice!"
"Goodness gracious! so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
"Oh, no, not at all. I'm just saying, make sure to wear an old dress.
A middle aged man bought a brand new yellow Holden Monaro.
He took off down the road, pushed it up to 150 kmph, and was
enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.
"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.
But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a police car
behind him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem thought the man and he
floored it some more, and flew down the road at 210 kmph to
escape being stopped.
Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind
of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the
Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the
Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th.
If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that
I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my
wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter
at thepearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter
said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes
Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass
through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set
of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me
6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
If you think you're having a bad day, read this!
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died
in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m.,
regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had
something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve
the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m.
on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to
investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m.,
all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward
to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other
holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Raul Gonzalez, the part-time
Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life
support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Still think you are having a Bad Day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some
kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current,she whacked
him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
What?? STILL having a Bad Day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Yabba, dubba, do, that's all folks.
PS This is a extra joke I've just added. It's rather long but
worth the read to the end!!
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down
near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,
"My car broke down do you think I could stay the night?"
The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner,
even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
A sound not like anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his
ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to
figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was,
but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound,
the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the
The Monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making
that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please,
make me a Monk."
The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us
how many blades of grass there are and the exact number
of grains of sand.
When you find these answers, you will have become a Monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man
and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers.
He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I
traveled the earth and have found what you asked for:
By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change.
Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself,
and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip
away self deception."
The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk.
We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head
monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it,
only to find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald,
pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of
solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite.
The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob,
and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is
utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Monk.