Sunday, July 23, 2006

To Bring A Smile To Your Face

Gidday, waal today's gonna be a short post (well short for
what I'm writing about, but longish (is this a word) as it's
gonna hava bunch of jokes either new or old but always funny
as by jingoes we all need to hava giggle every now and then)
My sister, Denise who is a fairly well know artist arrived
in town yesterday from New YorK (where she lives).
I will do a post on her shortly.
Denise has two shows opening, one at the Christine Abraham's
Gallery in Richmond, Victoria between 25th July and 19th August.
and another in Canberra at The Drill Hall Gallery between
27th July and 3rd September.
I will give you a preview of one of her recent works.


It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and
this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what
the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or
her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use
the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the
plug.

"Do you want a bed near the window?"

************************************

A Love Story

I will seek and find you . . .

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved
when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

*************************************

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently
wiped her nose then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman
sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered
violently once more.. Assuming that the woman might have a cold,
the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes
passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a
tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and
said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times,
wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical
condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
"I have never heard of that condition before" he said.
"Are you taking anything for it?"
"Yes," the woman nodded.



..


..


..


"Pepper".

*************************************

PASSWORD

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer
advised him that he would now need to enter a password.....
something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he
would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's
attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his
password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was
entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed.....


P...
E...
N...
I...
S...


His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer
replied:..........................

***PASSWORD REJECTED..........NOT LONG ENOUGH***

************************************

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted
speed limit. So he asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just
give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead
of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost
it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands
but plays along with it.

"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."
"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name.
The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself,
studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized
that I wanted to be a doctor! I went through college, medical
school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree,
so I was Fred Dingaling, MD."

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go
back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through
school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS."

"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my
assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD,
DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took
away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA
found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so
they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing...

**************************************


Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked
the children what their fathers did for a living. All the
typical answers came up--fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher
asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off
all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's
really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and have
sex with him for money."
The teacher, shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work in their workbooks, and took Little David aside
to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said David, "he works for the Bush administration, but I
was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.

6 comments:

Merle said...

Hi Warren ~~ Some good jokes there. I
liked the Password and the Sneezy ones.
I would still like to know what those things were in that pool. Your map is a good one -- especially for our overseas
friends. You are doing great, are you enjoying it yet? Have a great time with
your visiting sister. Cheers, Merle.

Peter said...

Sheeesh some people have no imagination do they.....
they are bloody fish in the pool!!!!!!!!!!

Good range of stories Wazza, nice to see Denise is maintaining the standard.

Jim said...

Hi Warren -- I'm gone for a day and look what happens. Acutually I'm in Iowa for a while, scrounging up Internet connections when I can.
Will leave now, I don't want to get kicked off for having too a long of a one here!
..

Raggedy said...

I saw all the jokes before but it was good to see them again..
Good post.
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) meow hugs
(")_ (")Š from da Raggedy one

Meow said...

Great jokes, Warren, thanks for making me smile.
Take care, Meow

Hale McKay said...

N"Now I'm just Fred..." LOL I laughing to tears just like the policeman.

Great post, Wazza!