Tuesday, July 08, 2008

The Colonoscopy Journal

It’s been a while since I posted but I received this in an e-mail from Robyn at Kat’s Cradle and I couldn’t resist putting this in my Blog. For all the guys who have had this procedure one can relate to this quite humorous story.

It’s similar to the humour in the post Peter from Holties House did on the 2nd July on the story called “A women’s week at the gym”.

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears
to go all over the place, at on point passing briefly through
Minneapolis. Andy then explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, was because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP MY BEHIND!".

I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called MoviPrep, which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.

I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to
say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got your self too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking
down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

(I would say 'Cheers', but somehow the expression 'Up Yours' had a more appropriate ring to it).


LZ Blogger said...

Warren ~ I have to go through a Colonoscopy every five years. No worries here mate. I hope all is well? ~ jb///

Hale McKay said...

I've yet to schedule one, but I know I need to in the near future. I don't think I'll be able to write about the procedure as eloquently as Dave Barry though.

Good to see a post, Warren.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hi Warren. Glad you liked that story...all I know is that I don't want to have one of those! But it is very well written and extremely funny.

How's the Getz going? Mine floated all the way up to Mooloolaba on Tuesday...I've written about it. Just goes to show, though, very versatile cars...

Peter said...

Hi Wazza, so you're not dead after all, note to self; Get stronger pills!
A funny article, much funnier than the real thing no doubt.

Jim said...

Hey Warren, I though you had given up blogging.

I'm sure you can relate to this story, I sure can! A few things were different with mine, the laxative had a different name and I had to drink a ton of liquids.

Then too, I was asleep before I ever got into the procedure room . A little bit of knock-out juice in the vein goes a long way with me.
Oh yes, I have been out of pocket since July 1. First a drive to Nebraska and then over to Colorado and flying back home.
I did manage to post a little about our Blogstock '08 in Nebraska from the road. Now I'm catching up with you all's blogs.