Saturday, November 25, 2006

Time For A Laugh

I've been laid up for the past 5 days with the bloody 'flu . It's summer
waal it will be on the 1st December, and do I get the 'flu in winter.
Nope, I gotta wait until summer....go figure.
Anyway I thought we should all have a bit of a giggle to forget about
any woes we might have.

Now have a go at this one above and see how clever you are!!!

Subject: The Lion Tamer
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is a good-looking older man in his mid-sixties and the other is
a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.
This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better
be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?"
The blonde says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip
and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl
and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open
her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks,
sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.
He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then
rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a
display like that in my life." He then turns to the older man and asks,
"Can you top that?"
The older man replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
Nine-year-old Justin, was asked by his mother what he had
learned in Sunday school.
"Well, Mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind
enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of
When he got to the
Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge
and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters
for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all
the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Justin, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mum. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to
give her an examination to determine the cause of her
daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say,
"Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the
doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never
compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out
the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that
the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and
three wise men came. And I was just checking ..."

Double click on above to view larger size.

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he
saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he
ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed
you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are
over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other
poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second
man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife
and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the
lawyer answered.

They all entered the limo, which was no easy task, even for
a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of
the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are
too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."

MICK was in court for a double murder and the Judge said,
"You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The Judge continued, you are also charged with beating your
Mother-in-Law to death with a hammer."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out,
"You bloody bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the
courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger
and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of
these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt!
Now what is the problem?"

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded,
"For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard. And every
time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"

I have a Golden Retriever & I was buying a large bag of Dog
biscuits at K-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Dog Biscuit
Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended
up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 30kg before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of
most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Dog biscuits and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the
food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line
was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who
was behind her.)

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that
condition: because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was
because I'd been sitting in the street licking my arse and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Double click on above to see what happens!!!

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry!  I have two
buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget
about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have
10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30
already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave
man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him."


Peter said...

Ya tricked me, I was sure you hadn't posed anything 'cos you didn't ring me and ask how to do something!!!!!!
Bloody bloglines is supposed to tell me who has new posts up and it's playing up big time.
Sorry to hear you've been sick, I would've sent ya some chicken soup if I'd known.

Merle said...

Hi Warren ~~ Sorry you have had the flu and hope it is on the way out by now. Great jokes Warren, I liked the
little kid on the plane and Moses.
Thanks for the jokes you sent I posted one tonight, will think about the other one about restrooms. You take care of yourself and feel better real soon. REgards, Merle.

Meow said...

Hope you are recovering from your bout of the flu. What a bugger. I usually catch a nasty cold at Christmas, so I have a red-raw nose for Christmas dinner ... it happens every year, without fail.
Have a great week.
Take care, Meow