Tuesday, September 19, 2006

It's Funny Joke Time Again.

Just a few funny pictures and jokes to get me back into blogging again.

If you can't read this then move further back from
the screen until you can read it.

Rabbi and the Tax Office

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said,
"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them
back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free
box of candles."

Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about
all these bread -wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We collect them and send them back to the manufactures, and every
now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the 'know - it - all' Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on,
"What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions
you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save
all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year
they send us a complete prick."

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving,
the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the
bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home"
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram
to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to
hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it
home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send
her the word "comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big.
She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bul".

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona
when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along
and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would
let out a "Ye-e-e-h-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled
one final "Ye-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that
Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the
woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms
around his waist, and held on to the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I
answered it I was greeted with, "Is this Karl Brummer?"
Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who is calling.
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer
Company or something like that. Then I asked him if he knew Karl
personally and why was he calling this number.
I then said off to the side, "Get some pictures of the body at various
angles and the blood smears." I then turned back to the phone and
advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay
on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be
receiving a summons to testify in this murder case.
I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone
number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead
guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he
made this call.
The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were
given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position and,
"Stay where you are. The police are entering the building and should be
with you momentarily to take you into custody."
At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.
My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming
down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen
minutes. My meal was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time.

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley
and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and
you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed
as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.


Peter said...

Hahahahaha for the jokes Hohohohohoho
for the cartoons.

Hale McKay said...

Wonderful! Just wonderful! Thanks for the jokes, Warren.

Jim said...

Hi Warren -- Very nice today. You have to like these too. I might pull off the telmarketer person.
Mrs. Jim says she has to get her husband. By the [long] time I get to the phone they have given up and gone on. Your idea is more fun.

Merle said...

Hi Warren Thanks for your comments
I watched Steve Irwin's memorial today and have been in tears a lot of the time. I did get my corned beef
dinners dished up afterwards. Some
good jokes here, which helped
brighten my day. I am also very disappointed with my blog, all the
sentences are running into the next
and I set things out much better than that. Take care, Regards, Merle.

Margaret said...

I think there must be quite a few really blind people running around if that sign is correct. I have been cooking and eating silverside too this week. You jokea were all very very funny. I am still laughing. Cheers Margaret

The Heir said...

Hey Wazza, great jokes, love the rabbi one.
I saw A Beautiful Mind the other nite, it was way better than I was expecting, really enjoyed it. Have you seen it??

Merle said...

Hi again Warren ~ I am sorry you were not too keen on Alan Jackson's new cd. I haven't seen or heard it yet, only on Austar they play the title song "Like red on a rose" It is OK, but not up to his usual standard, which is disappointing. I
posted some of the jokes you sent
tonight. Thanks, and Take care, Merle.

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