More Funny Jokes

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over
the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop
with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that
classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,
"What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just
what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work
my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my
whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both
hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about
6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS.



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Scottish first aid

A woman sitting in a restaurant suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real
distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next
table turned to look at her.
Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie.
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!
With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of
her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up
and down the crack of her backside.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that
the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to
breathe again.
Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig
of his beer.
Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of
that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time
I ever seen somebody do it."

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My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A
Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No." She answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes." She replied.

Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend."

That's the last thing I remember.

HARVARD READING TEST This was developed as an age test by
an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and
see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The
average person over 50 years of age can't do it!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10.This is for cat
11.This is forty cat
12.This is seconds cat

Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from
the top down and I betcha you can't resist passing it on.

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A mother and her young and inquisitive son were flying via
Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York. The son
(who had been looking out the window) turned to his
mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have
baby cats, then why don't planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son
to ask the flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the
flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have
baby cats, then why don't planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you
to ask me that?" The little boy admitted that she did.
The flight attendant said, "Well, then, tell your mother
that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines
always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that
to you."

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A husband and wife were enjoying an intimate dinner at a
fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman
comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open
mouthed kiss and says she'll see him later. She then turns
and walks away. His wife glares at him. "Who the hell was
that!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that's my mistress."
"Your mistress! Well, that's it," says the wife.
"I've had just about enough. I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband,"but
remember, a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips
to Paris, no more winters in Barbados, no more Mediterranean
summers, no more Mercedes parked in your garage and no
more yacht club for lunch. But I understand and the decision
is yours." At that moment, a mutual friend enters the
restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm. "Who's that
with Robert? " asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Hmmm, ours is prettier."