Jokes, Jokes and More Jokes

Jim tagged me recently, so in the not too near future
I will attempt to reply to his tag.
In the meantime I will add some jokes be they new
or old.

(a)*Martha's Way*

(a) Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a
sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

(b)*Muriel's Way *

(b) Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone,
for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with
your feet up eating it, anyway!

(a) To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag
with the potatoes.

(b) Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry
for up to a year.

(a) When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use
a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white
mess on the outside of the cake.

(b) Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

(a) If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for
an instant "fix-me-up."

(b) If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too
bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made
it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"

(a) Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the
refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

(b) Celery? Never heard of it!

(a) Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before
baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

(b) The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.

(a) Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub
it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

(b) Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

(a) If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes
opening jars easy.

(b) Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

(a) Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice
cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

(b) Leftover wine??????????? HELLO !!!!!!!

As usual, if you don't forward this to 1 of your friends
within the next 5 minutes, your belly button will fall off.
Really... it's true! Have I ever lied to you?

****************************************************

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement community.
They met in the social centre and discovered over time that
they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of
meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and
much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic
restaurant in town and despite his age, Claude was still a
charmer. Afterwards, Claude asked Maude to join him at his
place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and age being no
inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll
in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic
moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own
thoughts...

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have
been more gentle."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have
taken off my pantyhose."

*******************************************************

First Ten Husbands

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously
divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be
gentle, I'm still a virgin".

"What?" Said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've
been married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept
telling me how great it's going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really
sure how it was supposed to function,

but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything
checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he
had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process
but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a
new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought
he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he
was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.............
God I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good" said the husband, "but why?"

"You're a Tax Man...... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

Happy Tax Time .

***********************************************************

Three Little Pigs

This is a true story, indicating how fascinating the mind of a
six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to
her Class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was
trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read, "And so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may
I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do
you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly,
"I think the man would have said: "Well, f**k me! A talking pig!!

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes!!!!!!!!

budder, budder, budder, that's all folks!!!