Friday, July 28, 2006

Today is Funny Joke Day

Six Classic Affairs


The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with
his secretary. One day they went to her
place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up
at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and
told his lover to take his shoes outside and
rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on
his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:

"You lying bastard you've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful
daughters but always talked about
having a son. They decided to try one
last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a
healthy baby boy.The joyful father rushed
to the nursery to see his new son. He was
horrified at the ugliest child he had ever
seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I
can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I
fathered! Have you been fooling around
behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
"Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated, and made a startling
discovery. Schwartz had the largest private
part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician
commented, "I can't allow you to be
cremated with such an impressive private
part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his brief
case, and took it home. "I have something
to show you won't believe,"
he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when
she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then
dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said,"
pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he
entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she
replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked
it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went
to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned with a
sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the
statue, have this. I stood like that for two
days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the
bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak and a
bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my
wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm
doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: "I have
something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let
the poison work."

Fred and his wife Mavis went to the
exhibition every year and every year, Fred
would say, "Mavis, I'd like to ride in that
helicopter." Mavis always replied, "I know
Fred, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars
and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
One year later, Mavis and Fred went to the
exhibition. Fred said, "Mavis, I’m 85 years
old. If I don't ride that helicopter now, I
might never get another chance."
Mavis replied, "Fred, that helicopter is
50 dollars and $50 dollars is 50 dollars."
The pilot overheard the couple. He said,
"Folks, I’llmake you a deal. I’ll take the
both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet
for the entire ride and not saya word, I
won't charge you but if you say one word,
it's 50 dollars." Fred and Mavis agreed --
and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers.
But not a word he heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over
again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Fred.
He said,"By golly, I did everything I could to
get you to yell out, but you didn't. I’m
impressed!" Fred replied, "Well, I was going
to say something whenMavis fell out, but
50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Now don't pick on me about this as
I don't necessarily agree with this
....although!!!!!
AND it was sent to me by e-mail by
a lady friend - true.
(Is this like saying "would you buy
a car from this man!!!)



Subject: Fw: Drive through ATM procedures


A sign in the Bank Lobby in an American bank reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive
through teller-machines enabling customers to withdraw
cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using
this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE
procedures have been developed. Please follow the
appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.


2. Reverse and back up, pull forward, back up
and so forth and repeat as many times as required
to align car window with the ATM machine.

3. Set parking brake. Put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents and place on
passenger seat to locate bank card.

5. Tell person you've been speaking to on cell
phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine
due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card in ATM.

9. Re-insert card the right way with magnetic strip
pointing the way the little picture indicates.

10. Dig through handbag and examine each receipt to
see if PIN # is written there. Finally, search
through your Address Book to find your PIN written
on the inside of the back page.

11. Enter PIN into ATM machine .


12. Press Cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and
place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place
receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place
card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting
behind you.

24. Re-start stalled engine and pull off.

25. Re-dial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

10 comments:

Merle said...

G'day Warren ~ All good jokes. I liked the ladies' tee shirts.Have fun, Merle.

Peter said...

Who gave you permission to use the female rules at the ATM Wazza? oh , your handbrake doesn't work any more since yu have been driving around with it still on... sorry

Raggedy said...

Good collection of funnies..
I am waiting for one I don't have. It was good to see these again..
I think I get too much mail..haha
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) huge huggles
(")_ (")Š from da Raggedy one

Abandoned in Pasadena said...

I have never seen any of these jokes before and they were VERY funny...except for the last one. Just joking.

I loved those affairs jokes.

The Heir said...

great stuff wazza!!
some new some old, all pretty funny.
the woman driver one: funny coz its true.

ciao
Zac

Jim said...

Those are all nice too, Warren. I like the woman driver at the ATM. It is sort of true.
..

Jim said...

Warren, you can update the date to a current one.
On the bottom of the create page, there is a grey line witht he printing: "Post and Comment Options."
Click that and you can put in whatever date and time you want your post to say.
I did that with my post for tomorrow, by midnight tonight I will be in bed.
Check
http://www.jimmiehov.blogspot.com/
..

The Heir said...

hey warren, theres no point denying the truth, you just gotta say it and then run fast!!
Superman Returns was ok, i havent seen the first one so i have no idea how they measure up. My biggest issue with the film is that Superman didn't die. He came back to life THREE TIMES!!! it would have been a perfect end to let him go and the boy step up... also i didnt get the whole thing with superman and lois lane, there was no resolution...
but it was ok. the film i am hanging out to see is pirates of the carribean 2. seen it yet??

DellaB said...

Hey Warren -
love the jokes, thanks...

you didn't tell us what YOU thought of the Bobby Darin movie...

great shots of Cairns, it's changed a lot since I last saw it - about the early 60's that would have been.

Crazedmomof4 said...

Good jokes! I never heard any of them & I hope you don't mind but I emailed them out.:D